Suck your tummy in girl, you’re about to kiss all your Bubu and Nei.
Here we go again.
Another family function.
The dry and hot earthy aroma stirs enough excitement in me to do a little happy dance. Wait – I’m more excited for lovo than meeting people? Now that might be a problem – or just another strong confirmation that I’m a legitimate foodie. See? Perspective is everything in life.
Time to say hello to everyone – cousins in the lounge, aunties crowded in the kitchen, uncles chatting while waiting for the lovo, Bubus cackling and hassling the younger cousins to stop flirting with the good looking teenage neighbour raking bullshit leaves outside and go make them a cuppa.
“Weleeei viagoqu!” Bubu M exclaims after spotting me near the make-shift juice stand. Her arms stretched wide open as I dived in for a bear hug. Eyes smiling with tears, she wails, “why haven’t you come to visit me?!”
I smiled with guilt and stepped aside for Bubu M to greet another cousin closer to my age.
Oh, well that’s funny. Bubu M didn’t stretch out her arms as wide as she did when she hugged me. Why did she do that? Is she indirectly telling me that I’ve PUT ON WEIG –
“Viagoqu! You haven’t said hello to me! Come come I want to kiss you!” Bubu K (the fancy grandma) said to me with her arms also outstretched. I respectfully made my way toward her and the rest of the older, classier looking ladies cooed in unison.
“Sa rairai bulabula saraga o viagoqu kwe!”
“I agree! Oh, I agree!”
My cheeks burn a soft red from all the kisses, hugs and compliments that I felt like crying tears of joy as I affirm to myself that YES! I am healthy! YES! I feel so beautiful and all my gangsta grandmas agree with me! So here’s a generous middle finger to my negative thoughts! I love my new plus size body along with all my extra curves on my round belly, boobs and thighs.
I love the way I look right now.
I love the way I look right now.
I love the way I –
“Luvequ, the photos are up on facebook. Your cousin tagged you.”
Oh no no.
“I think one of your friends liked it,” Na said almost to herself as she squinted her eyes. After taking a sip of tea, she smiled. “You look so cute. Oh look! More likes?”
Of course Na, because I am beauti – Whaaaaaat the – I look so faaa – look at my double chiiiiin!
I wonder if my cousin has ever heard of cropping as an editing tool – as in, TO CROP ME OUT of the photo.
I cried so hard – on the inside. I never cry (at least in public).
I was so mad. Mad at my cousin, the world and myself – especially myself.
What have I done!? I’ve let myself go and become too comfortable to the point where I cannot recognise myself in photos anymore.
I don’t feel so beautiful anymore.
My gangsta grandmas would obviously say wonderful things about me just as they would with any of their grand kids. Were they even genuine?
At this point, it does not matter anymore because now I’m changing my social media settings to private to protect myself from hurting any further when horrendous photos of me surface. I also need to check out clothes that complement my plus size figure – I’ve got my sights set on those gorgeous flowy dresses. That would be nice. There are also beautiful stores that cater to plus size women just like me. Vinaka Google for your tremendous recommendations. There are also closed groups and YouTube videos and – just so much information out there for people in my situation. For a minute there, it almost felt like my issue isn’t so isolated anymore. Thank you, Internet.
I discretely walked into my room, stood in front of the mirror and took a good look at my reflection. As vain as this sounds, I’ve got to be brutally honest. If I weren’t me, would I even date me? Be honest, do I look good? HELL YEAH, BABY! GONEI, I’M ATTRACTIVE (so I’ve been told).
So what exactly is my issue!? I should close this case and go on living my life not giving a damn what people think.
Righto then! I’ll do just that. I’ll change all my privacy settings for all my tagged, unedited, uncropped – hold on…hold on…HOLD….ON!
I don’t feel so good anymore.
Alright, I think I have a problem. The problem is not people’s opinions. Of all judgments from family, friends and friendly randoms, the worst judgment I’ve ever received is from myself. But I’m learning to change that. Thank you, Counseling.
I look back to my reflection.
I’m beautiful. Fact. God says this in Genesis, Isaiah, Psalm 139, John and so forth. My parents tell me this, my gangsta grandmas, my friends – I’m beautiful, okay. No doubt.
I love my Buiniga. Always have. Always will.
I love my face. Ditto.
I lower my gaze down toward the rest of me.
Immediately, the issue-spotting begins. Oh Lord, just thinking about resolving these issues is exhausting. I need to take a break – a kit kat perhaps. No, no. Shit. This stuff is difficult to resolve but it’s doable. In order for me to morph these changes into a living, breathing lifestyle, I need to change the way I think about things.
I need to listen to what my body wants and right now, my body is telling me that it is not happy.
To counter this unhappy body vibes, I began speaking lovingly to my body. “I THINK I LOVE my new plus size body. It may take a while to get used to, but I’m going to accept it.”
I take a deep breath, close my eyes and wait for my body’s response.
My body responds:
I checked in with my inner vibes just now and it’s a definite, loud and resounding no.
I don’t love my new plus size body. It’s the truth.
The last time I said that I love being bootylicious, I got too comfortable and let myself go. Yes, I take full responsibility. Which is why I need to take responsibility with getting my body back.
It’s time that I take care of what I put in to my body and mind.
Pray for me?
Day 1 Monday 9 July 2018: 8 minute dance workout (8 minutes seemed like an hour – seriously intense), sweated like crazy, learned a new dance routine and almost broke my neck doing so. Intentionally missed dinner because I simply wasn’t hungry. Finished 2 litres of H2O. Crawled into bed, yawned and fell asleep immediately (as opposed to crawling into bed and reading online forums until 1AM).